Post-weekend roundup
Friday
Six of my family members go to see my play “He Said She Said” without me (more on that in a moment). My brother and sister and brother-in-law all seem impressed the next morning. (This is a 30-year first.) But my wife tells me, “It’s all just so sad and pointless.” (Yes, she’s talking about my play.) “Weren’t people laughing?” I ask about the play, which is intended as a poignant comedy. “Yeah,” she says, “but that’s just because of the way he’s doing the lines. It’s not the writing.” Takeaway: Now that blood relatives like one of my plays, my wife has left the reservation. A Taoist would say this is balance.
Meanwhile, my friend Trey and I are suffering in purgatory. Or more precisely, the play “Purgatorio” at UCLA Live! (Exclamation point theirs.) I will say what the LA Times’ Theatre Critic whinges on about without fully stating: It’s tedious in extremis. His reservation at calling out its dullness eradicates any former credentials. Within the first five minutes of the extremely slow initial scene, which concern a woman slicing a cucumber at glacial speed, I get it: Oh, we’re in purgatory — just like them. Unfortunately, another 85 minutes follow. At play’s end I actually stand up in my second-row seat, turn around to an audience partially populated by theatre people I know, and demonstrably hold my nose before leaving. The highlight of the performance is when my iPhone starts vibrating on my leg. (I later find out that a friend’s pocketed cellphone has accidentally called me.)
Saturday
I bid farewell to the visiting relatives after we all spend 90 minutes debating whether or not to wake up my wife so they can bid her farewell. Finally, at 11:30 a.m., they relent and leave, with her still asleep. She awakens perhaps 18 seconds later and says, “They left? Why didn’t somebody wake me up?”
I spend far too much time making up party games for our Halloween-party-slash-22nd-anniversary party. I also visit two Halloween stores and am astonished (and cheered!) at the long lines within. I purchase enough fake blood for a sequel to Carrie. I also purchase ping pong balls with eyes on them, for the punchbowl.
I take the kids trick-or-treating, Trey again in tow. He’s dressed as Nacho Libre, and I’ve thrown on a wizard’s gown because my “real” costume for later isn’t ready yet. Everywhere we go around the neighborhood excited folks of Latin American descent cry out, “Oh, loo! Loo! Nacho Libre!” Trey basks in the warm glow of appreciation and acceptance, a lifetime of Halloween costume misfires now behind him. Later at my party he somehow wins both “funniest costume” and “scariest costume”; presented with Trey in this costume, the guests at my party are as confused by their choices as the old people puzzled by the butterfly ballot. Trey also scores an indecent 19 correct out of 22 responses in my contest to match the horror film with the actor. (It makes a statement when you can correctly identify John Heard as the star of “C.H.U.D.” and Jennifer Aniston as the female lead in “Leprechaun 2.”) Oh, and my kids’ costumes: my 11-year-old girl is a dark wood fairy, and my 7-year-old boy is a soldier (and very happy to have a fake knife in hand). But really, all the focus is on the half-naked middle-aged man.
One of the guests at the party, a longtime friend, tells me he is the last remaining employee in his department at the LA Times. When he started, there were 22; now there’s just him. He also says that effective January the paper will be shrinking — literally. They will shrink the page size. I guess that’s one way to make it even smaller while saying they held the page count firm. I resolve yet again to cancel the paper.
My wife and I exchange 22nd wedding anniversary gifts: I give her the Rowan Atkinson comedy special where he plays the Doctor (Who); she gives me the boxed dvd set of “I, Claudius.” Each of us is thrilled. Nobody needed anything more. She and I go to bed and stay up for a good long time.
Sunday
I determine to do nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe read a little; maybe not. I read part of the LA Times. I read a magazine. My wife gets up finally at some point. I talk to her for a while. Fed up with nothingness, I say I’d like to go hiking; she agrees, but then says she’d rather go to the park. I wait hours for us all to go to the park, my dog’s warm but fierce brown eyes drilling holes into me for the duration. Finally I write a note — “Went to the park” — and go. Leaving behind the dog to drill holes into her. At the park, there are two fathers with their children and when they see me enter unaccompanied by children I can read their thoughts. This worsens when I go over to the jungle gym and hang upside-down by my calves, my shirt slipping off over my head. Small children’s eyes are averted; they are cautioned away by these fathers. I could explain that I’m trying to stretch out my neck, indeed my entire spinal column, but finally one of them gets it when he sees me dismount and wag my head around slowly. When I do it again, this time children approach and gape. A little boy of almost two is standing there, his milk bottle dangling from his mouth as he stares intently and I think, “It’s past time this kid was weaned.” My wife and kids and dog finally arrive and now I seem safer to all concerned. I do some more hanging from the bars so my own kids can watch. They’re amused too.
We return home and my wife decides to wash the dog outside. I decide to watch. I’ve been on permanent dog-washing duty for 20 years with two different dogs, so I’m well-prepared to sit back quietly with a magazine while she does it. She does it all wrong. The dog shakes water all over her, then gets in the house while soaking wet, then slips back outside before dried and runs like crazy around the entire back yard, rolling around in grass and mulch and digging through dirt, coming out of it all dirtier than before. But my wife laughs it off and washes the dog again. For that, I decide to take her out to dinner.
We go out for sushi and each of us orders new things. I order different sushi selections than usual and she orders clam miso soup and dragon roll (when it arrives, the dragon looks and tastes suspiciously like salmon). Kid 2 orders coffee mochi, which means that Kid 3 has to order coffee mochi too. (Kid 1 is off at college.) We all agree that the new decor of this, our favorite Japanese restaurant, is beautiful and seductive. I’m just glad that sports aren’t projected fuzzily on the wall behind us anymore.
We come home and she puts Kid 2 and Kid 3 to bed while I watch “Mad Men.” Just as everyone who watches it has predicted all season long, the episode deals with the Kennedy presidential assassination. I’m somewhat unmoved. I don’t care about the Kennedy assassination as it pertains to “Mad Men.” I care about the characters in “Mad Men.” Instead, I get numerous scenes of characters in “Mad Men” sitting around shocked and sobbing watching TV. It feels like “Purgatorio” again, but with commercials. My wife says she’s going to bed — “I’m actually tired!” she says — and then sounds me out about my sleeping habits for the night. She’s asking me to please not turn on the light to read, and not to eat noisy beef sticks, and not to try to sneak reading in bed while she’s asleep, because all of that will wake her up. Unspoken: Please don’t sleep walk or thrash around or have one-sided conversations in your sleep et cetera et cetera, as though these are intentional choices. I watch the movie “Milk” downstairs and think that although the movie is a little padded, Sean Penn is pretty exciting in the role, and then to make sure I’m really good and tired I watch “Into the Wild,” except what it does is make me really angry at this inconsiderate coddled little shit who goes on an ultimately fatal 18-month walkabout and can’t once be bothered to call his parents and reassure them that he’s alive. He dies after four months in the Alaskan wilderness after several bouts of severe stupidity and, much as with the Timothy Treadwell saga, I find myself rooting for the bear to reintroduce the human to the realities of the food chain.
I go upstairs and get undressed for bed and open the sliding door to the balcony as gently as I can to let in some cool night air so that I might possibly sleep a little better and then lie down as stilly and noiselessly as possible and note how full a largely unfilled weekend ultimately turned out to feel, and then I drift off to sleep and somehow somehow sleep the whole night through.