Best decision ever
Twenty years ago today, I married the woman in this photo. It was my best decision ever.
It was also further proof that no matter how hard-fought your struggle to be rational may be, sometimes it’s best to go with your gut. Once I had decided to ask her to marry me I also decided to wait two weeks and say nothing so that I could be sure I was doing the right thing. I still remember what those two weeks felt like: pure hell and raging insecurity at the notion that she’d leave me while I was still secretly mulling it over or just say no once I’d asked. Finally asking her and then hearing her agree brought waves of relief. I’m not exaggerating.
Today is our twentieth wedding anniversary. Twenty years is a long time. Through all the ups and downs of those twenty years one thing that has sustained me is being able to call up those emotions and know that I still have them. (I worry about Valorie’s side of this equation at times, because she has nowhere near the memory power I have.) Another thing that has sustained me is recognizing the values we share, values that I think have resulted in three children we can be proud of, and an abiding love for things like “Doctor Who” and “Black Adder.”
Twenty years. Yes, we got married on Halloween. The invitations, which were mailed mostly unannounced even to our closest friends and relatives, were to a Halloween costume ball “with wedding.” We were theatre people and wanted to do something festive and celebratory and different. Initially our families thought we were heading off on a dangerous lark. I don’t recall her parents being too thrilled by the idea, and my family was positively resistant. As I grew more and more heated over their response, my wise older brother Ray finally said quietly, “Ehhh…. I’ll come in costume.” And that was it. Everyone followed suit. I still owe him for that. About 200 guests followed, all in costume (as well as reporters from three separate newspapers and a television news crew). The bridal party was dressed in 18th century court clothes, the father of the bride was a medieval king, the mother of the bride came as a Hawaiian queen, my father was a clown (and that was his costume), and my mother was a witch (in costume alone). My brother Michael came outfitted as a butler; many of the guests assumed he was waitstaff and ordered him around all night. He was gracious in his compliance. Joe Stafford, who sometimes comments on this blog and who entertains me like no one else, came as a jester and Rich Roesberg, who also comments here, came as Groucho with his wife Ruth in tow as Mae West; in all three cases I felt their inner natures were truly revealed for all to see.
Too many of the people who came to the wedding have either died or faded from our lives, but the wedding itself has had remarkable staying power, as attested to by the three children and the persistent deep well of affection in our marriage. We don’t have enough time together lately, and we don’t have enough time with friends the way we used to. Those are things I’d like to correct before our twenty-first anniversary. I never expected to stay married 20 years. For me the goal was always 50, or more: the furthest limits of what is possible. I’m looking forward to that.
October 31st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Yes, and the Quail Hill Inn, where the festivities were held, is gone. But what memories. Folks dancing The Time Warp and kicking up their heels to the Green Acres Theme. My lovely wife doing a tango with Joe and the two of them passing a rose from mouth to mouth. Ruth and I sharing a slow dance. Misty water color memories, of the way we were.
November 1st, 2007 at 3:04 pm
actually….I believe the invitation read “A HALLOWEEN PARTY (Plus A Wedding) –
COSTUMES MANDATORY!” – – If I ever find it, I’ll scan a copy and post it. I know for SURE that I still have it. My memories of it are in Cinemascope, Technicolor and Stereophonic sound…
When I got that invitation, the best one I’ve ever received, THAT WORDING ALONE, totally did it for me, I thought, this is something that has to be done RIGHT…fortunately that attitude prevailed. I remember doing the tango with Ruth’s Mae West, and I remember Rich being as true to the Groucho (vis a vie The Groucho of both Duck Soup and A Night At The Opera…so much so that only the absence of Margaret Dumont kept the illusion from being totally TOTALLY hallucinatory). And I remember several drunken revelers having a natural attraction to me in electric blue tights and mid-calf black leather boots, but sadly, they were unsavory.
I attended two weddings that day – the one in the morning revealed that my dear friend beginning in 4th grade, Paul, had tested positive for HIV, he told me he did not have a long time to live, and that afternoon he left on a vacation trip. I picked myself up, and donning that jester costume drove to Smithville from Philadelphia, and was swept away in a way (that at that moment) I desperately needed. Paul died in 1990, but that weekend, I got an escape from some bad news. And I attended a wedding restored my faith in the future. It still does.
November 4th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
I still remember the shock on seeing the invitation to the wedding. I had to reread it several times before it sunk into my thick head.
Being a part of the wedding was very fun. Who else would have a Halloween wedding?
On the day of the wedding I remember getting to the Quail Hill Inn early where the wedding was to take place early. I was one of the ushers. Val was in full wedding melt down mode. Lee was just looking to stay out of the way and away from Val’s “well do something glare”. We ended up going to the bar down the hall from the room the Inn used for weddings and other such things. The ushers, best man, and the groom sat there enjoying several drinks cringing each time we thought we heard Val coming down the hall.
When Val’s parents arrived with their mobile home bringing the wedding party’s costumes Val found us at the bar and demanded that we go get the costumes. This happened just as fresh sets of drinks were set in front of us. Guess which took our attention.
After getting the costumes from the mobile home we got ready for the wedding ceremony. To say it was more like a party than a wedding is an understatement. To see all the people who would never think of getting in a costume for any type of party dressing up was a laugh. A lot of time was spent by the invited guests picking the right costume. For example there was one man who came as a flasher. He had a raincoat on, like Peter Flak’s character Colombo, you could see a shirt and tie and pant legs. When he opened the jacket he shirt, tie and pant legs were cut off and he was wearing shorts and had a camera strapped to his waist that took a picture when the coat was opened.
After the wedding the wedding party ended up going to the Black Cat bar in Absecon. (The bar tenders were invited and several did attend, but of course one had to work that night) The bartender told the customers that Lee and Val had just been married and that the group taking over the round table in the back was the wedding party. We had quite a few bar patrons buy the group drinks and congratulate Lee and Val.
I still tell people about the Halloween Costume Party Wedding to show that I do know some cool people and that I am not as stuffy as some might think.
Lee and Val, happy anniversary.
Paul
November 7th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Congratulations to you both!
~Ellen