Driving Ass
Forget “Driving Ace,” the title to be had in Los Angeles is “Driving Ass.”
For years, my nominee was the distracted driver who while staring at herself in the rear-view mirror and applying eyeliner with a hard cosmetic pencil rammed into the back of another vehicle, therefore lodging said pencil in her eye and later receiving a new cosmetic accoutrement: a glass orb. Although I never met her, I did know the police officer who arrived on the scene, saw her off to the hospital, and ticketed her appropriately. (As though the loss of depth perception and eyes that move synchronously weren’t enough punishment.)
A year or two ago, though, that person lost the title of Driving Ass to the man I saw eating a pizza while hurtling down the freeway. Not a slice of pizza — an entire open box of pizza perched between his chest and the steering wheel, box lid up.
But now, thanks to my son, I’ve got a new one. This person truly deserves the title.
Two days ago, Lex tells me, he was almost hit while riding his bicycle by a woman who sped through an intersection without looking. She rolled down her window and screamed at him, “Idiot!” (Which he is not. Occasionally late, or routinely sloppy in his room, but never idiotic.) When she rolled down her window, that’s when Lex saw what she was doing while driving her car: nursing a baby. Although this makes me want to tabulate precisely how many good and reasonable laws she was breaking, I’m not surprised by the behavior. If you’re going to have the baby out of the car seat, well, why not nurse him or her at the same time? And since you’re already in the car and nursing the baby, why not drive somewhere at the same time? And if you’re doing all that and not paying any attention, why not blame someone else for your near-accident (for which, had it happened, I assure you I would have gone the furthest inch to see that baby taken away from her assuming he or she had survived, and every bank account drained had my son been hit). After all, in for a penny, in for a pound.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Unfortunately the plague of bad drivers is not limited to Los Angeles. The southern New Jersey area seems to get all the idiots from Philadelphia and northern New Jersey who leave their brains at home, if they had any to begin with. Over the Memorial Day weekend I saw several accts of stupidity, cars pulling from the curb on a one way street (mine) with out looking for a car coming (again mine) all in a rush to get to the beach that is with-in walking distance. Needless to say I am now trapped for the summer with a bunch of fools and idiots who think driving is a contact sport.
Paul
June 4th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
All this pales in comparison to the new wave of true iDrivers (copyright 2007 Grant Simmons) in Los Angeles; those that feel cell phones are a natural extension of their “right” to drive a car in any manner they see fit.
My anger at said iDrivers relates to their inability to realize that driving with one hand whilst having a mundane conversation about “Turnips are on sale at Ralphs” is actually liable to distract the iDriver as opposed to enhance their ability to maneuver their vehicle should the need arise.
The sheer number of cell phone iDrivers in LA is mind-boggling. Their methods of driving equally boggling! It’s as if the cell phone is such an integral part of their existence that they will endeavor to do anything else they might do with their other hand – shifting gears, changing radio stations, or the most easily recognized iDriver scenario:
You’ve just sounded your horn as the iDriver next to you has just swerved across the lane divider three times in thirty seconds as they attempt to dial their best friend. You pull up along side and turn to look at them (the “dirty look”) and they, whilst holding onto their cell phone with their right hand, telling their friend what an inconsiderate arsehole you are, give you the finger with their left, thereby giving a whole new meaning to the term “handsfree.”
Thanks for listening.