Enough about artificial intelligence. Ever since that computer beat the geniuses on “Jeopardy,” we’ve heard enough about that. We know that it’s on its way, if it’s not already here. I’d rather talk about alien intelligence.

Here’s what I know about alien intelligence. Judging from both “Battle: Los Angeles,” which I saw recently, and a recent interview with Sammy Hagar, these aliens are not very smart. Interesting, yes, but clueless too.

Take “Battle: Los Angeles.” If I were an alien, Santa Monica would not be a primary target. I know, I know, I’m using sea water to power all my big death machines and drones and such. Santa Monica was never going to put up much resistance to begin with, and is notably short on armaments; it’s not like Texas. However, those squirrelly little back alleys and beach houses make it hard to ferret out the last of the human resistance — which, sure enough, they find out to their lasting sorrow in the movie. Also, in most cases it’s better to co-opt some local support if possible. So I say:  Why not invade Sacramento instead? Immediately, the majority of the population will cheer.  Also, if you’re going to invade the entire planet Earth, and you’ve got tech that allowed you to get here from, well, wherever, and global air defenses provide no real resistance, then you’ve got it all conquered easily — unless you connect all your drones via one big localized mothership thing that you’ve somehow managed to bury in our ground. Because absolutely, some never-say-die, something-to-prove Marine is going to singlehandedly suss that out, locate it, blow it up, and spread the word. And then your entire global invasion is off. Next time:  disperse your control over vast networks, with backups. That’s what we do with computers (it’s called cloud computing). Free advice.  I also want to take the opportunity to thank you for blowing up the 10 freeway; now we can build something that actually allows cars to move.

I suspect I know where these aliens got some of their unfortunate ideas:  from Sammy Hagar. It turns out that when they wanted to learn more about our planet, Sammy’s was the human brain they turned to. Granted, there are a few things Sammy knows:  how to replace David Lee Roth, and how vast the universe is. Quoth Sammy:  “You know how big the universe is? It’s freakin’ huge!” This is useful information. That first tidbit might have been what compelled the aliens to drill deeper into his brain to, as Sammy says, “See what this guy knows.” But while I can imagine their interest in the legendary Van Halen “sex tents,” it’s obvious that Sammy doesn’t provide the best insights for purposes of military strategy. That would be Will Smith, who always beats the aliens.

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